The year-end letter I’ve always wanted to write

(I dedicate this “letter” to those who feel the need to send me and many fellow sufferers those cutely decorated year-end missives in an incomprehensible attempt to impress us with their long-winded sagas of their Ivy-bound offspring, shiny new BMWs, Wall Street jobs, state-of-the-art kitchens and trilingual nannies.)

Hi friends!

I hope the New Year finds you happy and in good health. We, thank Heaven, still find the strength the carry on. As you will see, the past year has been full of blessings and good tidings!

Frank, my ex, has started sending child support again, so now he’s out on parole and thriving in his new management position. You should hear him say “You want fries with that?” in his most executive-like voice!

Prunella has worked hard to wean herself from her Facebook addiction. She has deleted the addresses of all guys with felony records. Next year we’ll work on misdemeanors. Her grades have correspondingly improved, and within two years, I firmly believe she will be reading at grade level.

Alphonse communicates from the Witness Protection Program whenever he can. That teddy bear of a guy has always been the glue that held our family together! He reports that he has a wonderful and totally legal job now, and may be able to come out of hiding by the time I’m eligible for Social Security benefits.

Butch is still at home. It’s kind of cute how the couch has molded exactly to the shape of his cute little rear and the part of his legs that don’t reach the coffee table. He’s so proud of his new satellite dish. Who knew there were so many educational channels? There are some he won’t let me use because he knows I’d find them over my head. Always so protective, that guy. He’s planning to go back to school as soon as he gets his “#$%* together,” as he likes to say, pardon my French! What a joker!

Bubba, my baby, the comfort of my “old age” (ha ha!), has been allowed back to school again. The guidance counselor says this new education plan will work for sure as long as Bubba leaves the knives at home, which I think he will sincerely try to do this year.

Not to forget any blessings at this of time of good cheer and renewal — Mom’s out of rehab, Dad’s out of debt, and Uncle Fred’s out of Walpole, oops, I mean Cedar Junction.

And our puppy, Killer, finally graduated from obedience school. Third time’s a charm! The Animal Officer is so proud of him and promises to come by only twice a week now to check in.

As for me, well, perhaps running Tom Tancredo’s Newton presidential campaign didn’t show the best judgment, but, you know me, a sucker for lost causes! But, since everything is going so well for us, we’re confident that we can all be together for the holidays this year, as long as I find a way to pay the mortgage. Please stay in touch!

Ann Green is a free-lance writer who has always wanted to ask those who send bragging, er, year-end letters, “do you REALLY think people don’t laugh at these?!”

Read more: Green: The year-end letter I’ve always wanted to write – Newton, Massachusetts – Newton TAB